I’ve spent so many years trying to make peace. Peace with my past, peace with friends and family, peace with complete strangers, but mostly peace with myself.
I’ve spent so many nights crying through hurt, pain, fear, and crushing disappointments.
Why? Why do my loved ones have to struggle with illness?
How? How can their faith be stronger than their pain?
Yet it is.
I’ve spent many days wondering how someone could be so forgiving, so hurtful, so relentless, so opinionated, so blind, so ungrateful, so arrogant… and so loving.
I’ve spent years wondering why… why would someone fly those planes into those buildings.
I’ve spent months recounting my steps that day.
I’ve spent countless hours reliving those specific minutes… down to the seconds.
I’ve spent 14 days in isolation.
I spent nights alone in the dark, on my knees, pleading for my health and the health of my family.
I’ve spent years in anguish begging for recovery.
Recovery for family members, closest friends, and loved ones of strangers.
I’ve spent years away longing for the days of being together.
I’ve spent precious moments with open wounds.
I’ve spent wasted presents thinking of broken pasts.
I’ve spent unproductive days thinking of pointless nights.
I’ve spent my last night’s sleep in homes I’ve adored and my first mornings in homes I’ve grown to love.
I’ve spent drunken nights and regret-filled days.
I’ve spent passionate kisses on forgotten lovers, and nights away when no one knew where I was.
I’ve spent hours working out, only to gain it all back.
I’ve spent time living in the city, sitting in cars on long road trips, and staring out into the clouds from seat 22A at the back of an airplane.
I’ve spent silent hours being transformed spiritually during long walks in the woods.
I’ve spent energy loving people and admittingly, even hating some.
I’ve spent 46 years being a daughter and niece, 43 1/2 years being a sister, and 38 years being a granddaughter.
I’ve spent several years being a girlfriend, 20 years being a wife, and 16 years being a mother.
I’ve spent lifetimes loving, living, singing, and laughing.
I’ve even spent time thinking about you.
I have so much more to give, and I won’t be done
until I’m completely spent.
And that, my friend, is the last of the poems from My Hemlock Heart.
Thank you for following along.
Yours truly,
Autumn
Song is Opening by Essie Jain
This song was played on repeat in 2020; the year I wrote Spent.
It is hauntingly beautiful.